“ I felt the whole world laughing at me and saying, “ You are a failure” “
The room tilted before me and I carefully put my foot forward to tackle the staircase that loomed ahead. A darkness enveloped me and I woke up to unfamiliar noises and masked faces. I felt I had failed. I was alive when I had wanted to die.
My mind raced back to the day my uncle had found me in a dust bin where my own parents had dumped me and the sense of betrayal that had crept in then took complete control of me. I felt the whole world laughing at me and saying, “ You are a failure” Abandoned by all I had worked my way up from the age of 8. I worked as a housemaid and the master of the house trained me in dance and introduced me to films and television. He also used me in every sense of the term promising to marry me. I hated my life, but tolerated it as the pay helped me educate my baby sister and support my mother. I felt I was safe in the cocoon that I had built around myself. I had a job, a nice boyfriend and my family was under my care.
Returning home from work one day I walked into my bedroom to find my baby sister in a compromising position with my boyfriend. My whole world came crashing down. I locked myself in my room swallowed my mother’s sleeping pills , drank a bottle of alcohol that I found and slashed my wrists, making sure that I will surely die. I walked out to bid goodbye to my nephews and woke up in hospital. I had been saved and had failed in my attempt to take my life. I moved out of my home and with a help of a friend continued to work . I met and married another man from my professional world in whom I sought solace but that was not meant to be. My friend emptied my bank account and my husband tried to kill me. I was single, depressed and alone again. I contemplated ending my life again and decided to hang myself, as luck would have it the knot would not hold and I slid to a ground, cursing myself for failing again.
A friend of mine told me about a meeting that was being held for artistes in a house nearby. I decided to go there. For the first time I heard about a new God who came to make our lives better. He died so that we can live and He was betrayed like me, He was abandoned like me and He died alone. His life was so similar to mine.
I did not know of any gods that had died so that I may live. One night I spoke aloud and asked God to reveal Himself to me. In my dream I saw a man clad in white who sprinkled water on me and said “Come to Church and find me”. I went to church, I had no money to even give the offering and I prayed – “ Lord If you are truly a living God help me with my finances” . Within the next few days the friend who had betrayed me came home, apologized for her behavior and gave me Rs. 10000 rupees. For the first time in my life I felt loved. I believed that I have found someone who watched over me. I believed that all my problems will be solved. Every single problem disappeared. I had a skin problem and God healed me the day I accepted Jesus in my life and to this day I have not taken any medicine.
I still work as an actress but with a difference, I do not live by the standards of this world, I live by the standard that God has set for me. All my colleagues have noticed a marked difference in me and my behavior and when they ask me I do not hesitate to say that I have found a true friend in Jesus. I am now a Princess to the King of Kings. I have never been out of a job since God took control of my life and I know that even if I am penniless my God is more than able to provide.
Accessed on 21st April 2011